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Y'all Come Back, Hear
A NEW YORKER went to visit a friend down South, and they stopped in a neighborhood
restaurant for breakfast. When the waitress asked the New Yorker what he wanted, he
replied, “Eggs fried in olive oil and a whole wheat bagel with low-fat cream cheese, please.”
The waitress jotted this down and then asked, “Hominy grits?” “I’m not sure,” the New
Yorker admitted. He turned to his friend and asked, “How many grits should I order?”

Money Talks
A one, a ten,  and a twenty dollar bill were talking to each other. The one asked the twenty
what kind of life he had. The twenty replied he had a pretty good life, as he spent a lot of
time in nice restaurants and shopping malls. The one asked the ten the same question. He
said he didn’t frequent places quite as fancy as the twenty, but he also had a good life.
Then the ten and twenty asked the one about his life. “I never get to go anywhere,” the one
answered. “I spend all of my time in the collection plate at church.”

Qualified Applicant
A LARGE COMPANY needed a new employee. The owner put this sign on the door: “Help
wanted. Must be able to type, use a computer and speak at least two languages“. After a
while, a dog entered the office and went to the receptionist’s desk. The dog barked and
pointed to the sign, but the receptionist said they couldn’t hire him. He barked and pointed
again to the sign, so the receptionist got the owner of the company. When the owner saw the
dog, he said, “I’m sorry, but we can’t hire you.”
The dog barked and pointed to the sign another time, so the owner asked the dog if he could
type. The dog went to the typewriter and typed a letter. The owner read it and then asked
the dog if he could use a computer. The dog went to a computer and operated a
spreadsheet program.
“That’s wonderful,” the owner said. “But we still can’t hire you. We really need someone who
can speak two languages.” The dog pointed to the sign and said, “Meow.”

The Bear Necessities
A VERY religious man frequently hiked in the mountains to a secluded area to pray and
meditate. One day, as he was heading to his favorite spot, he stumbled and tumbled down
the slope. Upon checking himself, he was thankful to find nothing seriously wrong, just
scrapes and bruises. When he looked around to see where he was, he saw a bear watching
him. The man began praying, “Please, Lord, let this be a Christian bear. Please, Lord, let
this be a Christian bear.”
Then he heard the bear say, “Thank you, Lord, for the bounty you have provided today.”

Only Time Will Tell
IT WAS early morning and a lady had just opened her garage sale. A neighbor from down
the road came running past on his morning jog and stopped to look at the wares. He spotted
a beautiful grandfather clock with an unbelievable price of just $50. So he told his neighbor
he’d buy it. “Will you be returning with your pickup truck to take it home?” the lady asked.
“Oh, no,” he replied. “I’m strong and live only three houses down. I’ll just carry it.” He
squatted down and hoisted the heavy clock onto his back, then walked slowly toward his
home. Suddenly, a youngster on a skateboard came roaring from the opposite direction and
collided with the man. Bang! Clang! Crack! The clock crashed to the ground. “Can’t you
watch where you’re going?” the man yelled at the youngster. The youngster replied, “Can’t
you wear a wristwatch like everyone else?”

Head Is In The Clouds
A MAN from California was traveling cross-country by hot-air balloon. Somewhere over the
Ozarks, he became lost in the clouds and descended until he was floating over a small
cabin. He spotted a hillbilly standing there and yelled to him, “Hey, mister, can you tell me
where I am?” The hillbilly shouted back, “You think you’re pretty tricky, but you can’t fool me.
You’re up there in that little basket.”

Come Watson, The Tent Is Afoot
THE great detective Sherlock Holmes and his companion Dr. Watson were on a camping
trip. As they bedded down for the night, Holmes said, “Watson, look up in the sky and tell me
what you see.” Watson answered, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“And what does that tell you?” Holmes continued. Watson answered, “Astronomically, it tells
me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets, theologically, it tells me
God is great, and that we are small and insignificant, meteorologically, it tells me tomorrow
will be a beautiful day. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Someone stole our tent."
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