Food For Thought
TWO MEN were talking about how bad their wives’ cooking was. “I don’t think you can
top this,” the one fellow said. “My wife’s food is so bad, last summer the flies took up a
collection to get the screen fixed.”
Man #1: It's going to be so cold this winter!
Man #2: How cold will it be?
Man #1: So cold that even the Sun will be wearing a light jacket!
Can’t Hornswoggle Him
A CITY BOY was hiking in the country with his rural friend. As they went past a pasture,
the city boy asked, “Why doesn’t that cow have any horns?”
“There are lots of reasons why cows don’t have horns,” the country lad explained. “Some
breeds don’t grow them until late in life. Some cattle are dehorned surgically. Still others
never grow them.”
“So why doesn’t that cow have any?” the city boy asked. “Because it’s a horse!” his
Full Of Wisdom
A MAN walked into a dentist’s office and asked how much it would cost to extract wisdom
“It costs $80,” the dentist replied.
“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man retorted. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well,” the dentist responded, “if I don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.”
“That’s still too expensive,” the man answered.
“Okay,” the dentist proposed, “if I simply rip out the teeth with a pair of pliers, I could get
by charging $20.”
“Nope,” moaned the man, “that’s still too much.”
“Hmmm,” said the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the
experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.”
“Marvelous,” exclaimed the man. “Schedule my wife for next Tuesday.”
A FRIEND who’s into horse racing swears he overheard one horse say to another, “I
recognize your pace, but I can’t remember your mane.”
Ran Out Of Sick Days
A FARMER had an ox and a mule that he hitched together for plowing. One night, after
several continuous days of fieldwork, the ox said to the mule, “We’ve been working pretty
hard. Let’s play sick tomorrow and lie here in our stalls all day.”
“You can if you want to,” the mule responded, “but I believe I’ll go to work.”
The next morning when the farmer came out, the ox pretended he was sick. The farmer
bedded him down with clean straw, gave him fresh hay and a bucket of oats and left him
for the day. The mule picked up the slack and pulled the plow by himself. That night, the
ox asked the mule how he got along and if the farmer had said anything about him. “No,”
the mule stated. Hearing this, the ox decided to play sick the following day.
Again, the ox received comfortable bedding and plenty to eat. When the mule returned
that night, the ox inquired how the day went. “About the same as yesterday,” the mule
“Did the old man say anything to you about me?” the ox asked. “No,” replied the mule,
“but he did have a long talk with the butcher on the way home.”
Do You Know Who I Am
AN ELDERLY WOMAN walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted
her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. “The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t,” the usher said. “The pastor is incredibly boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
That’s Supposed To Be Punny
FRED entered a pun contest in his local newspaper. He sent in 10 different puns in the
hope that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.