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She' Worth Every Penny
AN OLD FARMER had a blue-ribbon cow. He pastured this valuable animal in the best
meadow, where there was plenty of grass and water. There were railroad tracks at the back of
the meadow, and one day the train’s whistle spooked the cow into running away. The farmer
looked and looked but couldn’t find her.
A couple days later, the farmer contacted the railroad company and said he wanted to be
reimbursed for his prize cow. An insurance adjuster arrived the next day and asked the farmer
if he would settle for half of what he was asking. The farmer said yes, so the adjuster quickly
wrote out a check. “Whew! That’s a load off my mind,” the adjuster said. “I was authorized to
give you the full amount.”
“I’m happy,” the farmer replied. “The cow came back yesterday.”

He Got What He Asked For
A TRUCK DRIVER stopped at a roadside diner and plopped down on one of the stools. A
waitress approached him and said, “You look kinda down. What would it take to perk you up?”
He replied, “A bowl of chili and a few kind words.”
She returned a few minutes later with a bowl of chili. “Where are the few kind words?” he
asked. She answered, “Don’t eat the chili.”

Can Deer Really Read?
A CITY FELLOW who retired to a quiet little township in Missouri had a bit of trouble adapting
to the country lifestyle. After living there a few months, he called the local township
administrative office to request the removal of a Deer Crossing sign on his road.
The reason? “Several deer have been hit by cars there,” he explained. “You should find a
safer place for them to cross the road!”

He"s No Brain Surgeon
WHEN she arrived at the automobile dealership to pick up her new car, Mrs. Smith was told
that the keys had accidentally been locked inside it. She went to the service department and
found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As she watched from the
passenger’s side, she tried the door handle and discovered it was unlocked. “Hey,” Mrs. Smith
told the technician, “it’s open!”
“I know,” the young man answered. “I already got that side.”

Credit Where It's Due
“I LIED on my credit card application,” Fred confessed to his best friend. “At the top of the
form, I listed myself as Head of Household.”

Grandma Was A Pedal Pusher
A HIGHWAY PATROLMAN noticed a car crawling along at a very slow speed and decided he’d
better speak to the driver. He pulled the car over and discovered four elderly ladies inside. He
kindly told the driver she should try to drive the speed limit.
“I always drive the speed limit,” she answered. “See that sign? It says 20, and that’s what I was
driving!” The officer grinned and explained that the sign was the highway route number, not
the speed limit. At that point, he noticed that the other ladies were sitting stiffly, looking
terrified. “Is there something wrong with your friends?” he asked, rather concerned.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a little while,” she replied. “I just turned off Highway 110.”

Hillbilly Computer Guide

Log on              Making the wood stove hotter.
Log off              Don’t add any more wood.
Monitor             Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
Download         Getting the firewood off the pickup.
Megahertz        Happens when you’re not careful downloading.
Floppy disk       What you get from stacking too much firewood.
Modem             What you did to the hay fields.
Hard drive        How you get home in the winter season.
Keyboard         Where you hang your car keys.
Software           Plastic eating utensils.
Laptop              Where the little kids feel comfy.

I’ve added a couple more.
Fire Wire           A grate to hold the wood in the wood stove.
Cable                Something you use to get the car un-stuck.
Speakers          Nosy neighbors.
Desktop            Place to write letters
Table                A place to eat.
Frames             Where you put your pictures.
Wallpaper         The design on you walls.
Back Button      The button on the seat of your one piece long-johns.
Printer               A child that can’t write in cursive yet.
Display              Pretty things that you show.
Mouse Pad        A hole in the wall where mice live.
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